I herewith support the election of Denny Crane, Esq., for President of the United States. Consider the following:
Fact: Except for the Mad Cow, Denny is in overall good health.
Pro: Good health is a prerequisite for being president.
Con: Denny Crane may not always remember what he said. But c’mon, which is worse: not remembering or remembering what you just said is patently false?
Fact: Denny co-founded and is a named partner in the successful law firm of Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
Pro: He understands the private sector and the legal system.
Con: There are already too many lawyers (and law professors) in Washington. True, but c’mon, Denny’s an outsider. A real outsider.
Fact: Denny Crane has been married and divorced 9 times.
Pro: As is obvious, he strongly supports traditional marriage.
Con: He may be viewed as an unreliable partner. But c’mon, Denny’s a little impulsive, that’s all. Who among us???
Fact: Denny’s an unwavering advocate of the Second Amendment.
Pro: Denny Crane carries. He was a Marine sniper. Or was it a pilot? He can’t remember which.
Con: Guns kill people. But c’mon, that’s sort of the point, right? Climate change won’t kill the terrorists.
Fact: Denny’s a winner.
Pro: His courtroom record where he was the first chair is 6,043- 0. He’s unbeaten.
Con: Incessant bragging about being a winner might not get a candidate any votes.
Fact: Denny Crane is viewed by some as being an aging buffoon.
Pro: How many aging buffoons are 6,043-0?
Con: None. Take a look around Washington and tell me what you see.
Fact: Denny enjoys a cigar and a drink.
Pro: See the above about Denny’s overall good health.
Con: It upsets the proponents of the Nanny State. What should he do then? Have a super-sized soda and chew some khat? Nope, not cool either. Well screw it, then. Pour, light, puff.
Alan Shore: “You ever wonder if you and I are la-la?”
Denny: “Don’t be ridiculous. We’re flamingos. And good ones.”
Denny Crane. I rest my case.